Meet Tony

Let me tell you about Tony. He's a tiger. In spirit. Actually no, not even in spirit. In spirit I would say he's comparable to a helpless teenage girl. He would never survive in the wild. They don't serve whipped cream on a platter.

One thing about Tony, he always thinks about food. I guess you could say, he thinks like the average American. I have never actually met a cat who cannot enjoy just lounging around all day, because he fears he will never be fed again. Every time I make a motion for the fridge he is at my heels with his tiny little roar of a meow, just hoping I will drop a crumb his way. His happiness depends on me. Yeah, he would never make it in the wilderness. Last night as I was doing my thing in the kitchen and he was at my heels, following me step for step as if we were practicing a choreographed song together, I realized this cat has never been hungry in his life. And it irritated me. So I said very sternly, "Tony, do you realize there are lions and tigers starving in Africa this very minute? They are thankful to eat a mouse let alone a small antelope so please, don't even start with the 'I'm hungry' thing man. You're not."

He still didn't get my point. I had laid out a chicken breast on the counter earlier so it could unthaw and either he wanted to prove to me he could hunt or he did it out of spite, but he jumped up on the counter and ran off with my chicken breast. I chased him around the pool table mad as a hornet wanting to yell really mean and awful things. But I was at the point somewhere in between love and anger, chasing around a cute furry cat with big round eyes and my dinner in his mouth, so the words that came out wouldn't have even phased a five year old in timeout. I yelled, "Tony....urrrg you're such a bad kitty!!" What a terrible thing to say.

So I got my dinner back and as I was cleaning it off and throwing out the part his tiny fangs had demolished it occurred to me Tony is just like a man. He is always hungry, and when he thinks he has stolen your heart, he goes for the breast.