Bold move. That's what people say when you tell them you're deleting your Facebook account. 50 years ago it would have been considered a bold move to paint a sign in your front lawn that reads any of the following, "I'm getting a divorce, call me if you care and I'll tell you why.", "My kids drive me crazy, I have a migraine. Help.", "Haters keep hating and I'll do me.", "I can't sleep, someone want to watch a movie?" "Lyndon B. Johnson is a dumbass.", "My neighbor is having an affair, what a jerk.", "I need ideas for supper tonight.", "My dog just pooped behind the couch.". Even today, if we drove by someone's house and saw any of the above sentences written on a huge sign in someone's front lawn would we not be a bit thrown off? Now, let's log onto Facebook and see those sentences in a status. Oh that? That's normal.
Facebook gives us the okay to express our innermost feelings and desires without blinking an eye and yet if we suddenly bumped into over half the people who "liked" or even read our status amid the checkout isle in Walmart, would we be so willing to speak the same things to them aloud, in person? I mean come on. How many times do you run into someone and say, "I saw on Facebook that you [Fill in the blank]". We can tell a person what he or she ate for dinner last night, comment on the wedding they attended last weekend, compliment on how great it was that they volunteered at the YMCA, ask them if their puppy has chewed up more of their underwear, and tell them that yes, you too, "love fresh tomatoes but hate when they're cooked, it must be a texture thing", all without this person actually telling us any of those things. Facebook, I just realized in this exact moment, is pretty much like being naked all the time. And my, do we flaunt our privates for the world to see!
We are like Adam and Eve all over again, blind to our nakedness, except the forbidden fruit we bit into is social media and we didn't bite it, we plugged into it; help us all for we are electrifyingly hooked. Plugging in is what made us naked, we were just fine before. The sly devil this time was no snake, but technology himself as he whispered the words in our ears "You need me", "You cannot advance without me", "You will feel more", "You will accomplish more", "People will notice you more", "Oh yes dear, your life will be better with the newest and best of everything, and darling, you can even tweet about it". He got me that's for sure. I bit in, plugged in, soaked in, rolled in, laid in and devoured it all. And still, I have not felt like my life is advancing that much more by letting the world know about it. So, I'm unplugging if you will. Quitting cold turkey. Is there a patch for that?
Funny how this can even be a topic of discussion right? I mean it's not like I'm an alcoholic that is finally putting down the bottle or a smoker who has decided it's not healthy to make my lungs turn black. I'm a Facebook user. (Slowly walk to the podium, shoulders drooped, raise the microphone, clear my throat, "Ahem")
"Hi everyone, my name's Megan, and I'm a Facebook user"
(Readers, "Hi Megan.")
"I've been using Facebook since 2006, the spring of my senior year in high school. At first I just uploaded really dumb pictures of me and my friends doing a whole lot of nothing. I made albums in college of what it was like to be a freshman, you know hanging out in a dorm room. I wrote on people's walls whom I wanted to like me. I uploaded pictures of me in a hotdog eating contest once, that was cool. I ate seven. Then sophomore year I changed my profile picture at least once a week. Had to give people a different look you know? That's when I should have realized I had a problem. But as an upperclassmen I lost my senses and uploaded pictures of me at parties because although my life was far from perfect, I wanted everyone to think I was having a great time. Some of those pictures deserve a good head shake now. But hey, I had to get some "likes" in my life, there were several things that were just unlikeable.
During this time I also let the Facebook world know I considered myself funny by posting random videos of myself being completely goofy and statuses that made even the Grinch grin. I don't know that the Grinch read my statuses but I assume he did because I assume everyone was just waiting around for me to post something. Weren't you? Then I moved away to the west coast. I let everyone know it was sunny there and that my life was pretty great. It was pretty great, really. These days I share a lot of music, because I want people to know I listen to good music, and quotes, I love quotes so you should too. I upload pictures of my family a lot, mostly because family and a few close friends are all I have besides Facebook. I want people to see that despite going through family struggles we can all line up together and take a pretty good picture.
But what I do more than anything nowadays, is scroll. Scrolling seems to have what really made me realize Facebook is a problem. It's not a consistent scroll but I have found myself clicking on the Facebook application in the oddest of times just to "scroll". Damn the urge to scroll. You know like, at a stop light, in a restaurant, during a movie, watching a basketball game, on the toilet, laying in bed, while reading a book, bored at work, walking my dog, babysitting, eating dinner, talking to someone sitting next to me, riding on a bus, sitting at an airport, on a horse, etc. When I sat down and thought about it, those all seemed like perfectly good times to focus on being in the moment. When I'm watching a movie, should I not be paying attention? When someone is talking to me, should I not be listening? When I'm on a horse, heaven forbid, should I not be riding it? (I've only done the last one a couple times but it was still worth mentioning, wouldn't want you to think I can't even ride a horse without Facebook or anything). It was the videos too. The availability of video after video popping up on my newsfeed, it was all too available. Amazing videos, musical videos, funny videos, stupid videos of stupid people doing stupid things. "Why did I just watch that?" And so many interesting articles about what kind of personality I had, what celebrity was like me, if I really was an introvert, foods that I should be eating, things I wouldn't believe, you know that sort of useless information that can't be found in books. It had me. I told myself I didn't click too much, but so does the alcoholic tell themselves it's just one drink.
I'm not married or engaged, I don't have any children of my own, but I do have a dog and two plants I guess. Facebook has seen much of my dog lately. It will be a hard day, if the day comes that I get engaged and can't post it to Facebook so people I haven't talked to in ten years will know I'm getting married. How will those people find out? It will be hard to not upload a "baby" album of my future child, if I have one. Instead I will make a baby book, and a picture album that has pages my fingers can tangibly turn. This will be hard. Who will I show the pictures to? Who will see how wonderful my baby is? I hope everyone will get along okay without seeing these important events in my life. I wonder how people will know if I move? Oh yeah, I'll call or write a letter. This will be tough to get used to, not letting everyone know what I'm doing...(sigh)...thanks for listening.
(Reader, "Thanks Megan.")
Last night at 3am my Facebook account was hacked and someone successfully even changed my Facebook password. The hacking was done to promote Ray Ban Sunglasses and the hacker tagged 80 of my friends in the Ray Ban album I didn't create. I was silly to think there was actually a privacy setting on Facebook. I was silly to think anything about Facebook was private at all. It's all just another scheme to keep us distracted from something bigger while pushing consumerism down our throats. I will not be consuming any more Facebook, and I will not be buying any Ray Bans. Thank you. If you need to reach me feel free to contact me in person.
I'll find acceptance and love out there don't worry. Maybe I'll write a stand up about Facebook (wait, didn't I just do that?), or maybe by writing a book about life. Facebook has never paid me for my thoughts anyway. The machine in me is dying, but the creator in me lives on. Oh, hello there soul. Let's read a book.
Bye friends. See you in the real world.
